We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, That’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.