We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller